I’m ready

I thought about writing an emotional post today. I mean, it’s not as if literally anything doesn’t set me off anyway. Emotional words to a song. Trying to hold back tears as I hugged a friend goodbye or even just sitting next to my father talking to him.

And then I thought well, I’ve been pretty emotional lately so what about a fun post. One in which I talk about how I keep running into a guy who wears make-up and dark green contact lenses who works at the Estee Lauder counter in Edgars Tygervalley. I mean literally everywhere. Concerts, coffee shops, malls, etc. But that’s too random. And somehow it doesn’t seem quite relevant to my personal situation right now.

Maybe you’d like to know what it feels like to finally be able to prepare for a life with a person you took marital vows with more than nine months ago. The truth? It’s fucking scary. I mean, do not even get it twisted. How we’ve grown, matured and changed in two years. How did we do it? By the grace of God and an intense amount of commitment. And now, we’re finally going to embark on this life together as husband and wife. So am I the same foreign exchange student he met at a US college over two years ago? yes and no. Is he the same hot guy I saw on campus one warm North Carolinian afternoon? yes and no.

He took me to buy cigarettes at a store close by that same afternoon. In his red little sports car. He even let me drive but took over eventually. He still doesn’t think I’m a great driver by the way. Our first date: Ruby Tuesday. We talked. About religion. A lot about religion. And culture. They called it “talking”. They’re ” talking” now. We went to Church together. We went on vacation together. He took me home for Thanksgiving. We stayed up talking until early in the morning.

One night I cried inconsolably. How was I going to leave him? Would I ever see him again? I remember that night so well. He held me and held me and kept on holding me so tightly. I wanted to be with him forever.

There are so many things about us that are the same. But we’re also two completely different people. We like and want the same things in life. But our love has really stood some difficult tests. So how do you pack your things, after two years of separation knowing how much heartache and suffering you’ve endured and not wonder if things will be exactly the way it was when you were ” just talking” in college?

The truth is you do wonder. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that, in fact, I think that it is to be expected. C and I have spent the last two or so days talking about this for hours at a time.  Has our love grown? Has it changed? In what way? Did we do the right thing?This is such a big step for us. For both of us. This is an incredibly sad time for me as I say goodbye to my amazing parents, my wonderful sister and fantastic friends. I wish I could have it all. I truly do. But life just does not work that way.

I am scared. But I’m sure, if you’ve been following this blog for a while you may have picked up that I think I’m also incredibly brave. I love this man. I love him with my entire being. And for all those nights that I prayed for his safety, I thank God. Also for bringing this person into my life one warm North Carolinian afternoon. This person who has worked so hard, set aside his personal goals and lived up to everything I’ve ever wanted in a husband. I don’t think I’ve always appreciated this but I do.

Our life together can finally begin and I’m ready.