Posted by: madamm | November 8, 2007

Life’s too short to be afraid, right?

You know how sometimes the lyrics of a song somehow seem to apply to you when, really it doesn’t?

Okay, let me rephrase that. Is it also true for you that you sing along to words that have no relevance to you at some or other point in your life? I’m talking about doing actions complete with brush in hand to songs like He Wasn’t Man Enough For Me when you have no idea who he refers to, or I Wanna Have Your Babies when seriously, that is the last thing you would actually tell somebody. Point taken? No?

This morning I was driving to work with my Robbie Williams CD playing (which I hadn’t listened to, in like, forever) when suddenly that song Strong comes on…you know the one…Yooooooou think that I’m strong, you’re wrong….you’re wrong….

And I found myself singing along tapping my fingers. And then I thought: I’m singing this song but I happen to think that I am perfectly strong. In many ways. And then I thought about what “being strong” means. Does it mean you don’t cry in public? Does it mean you keep personal dilemmas to yourself? Does it mean you try to act like superbitch at work and say the absolute minimum about anything personal? Does it mean you’ve displayed serious tenacity in the face of things you’ve never had to deal with, when perhaps, others would have fallen apart already?

If so, then I’m pretty strong (by my own standards ,of course). But let me say this. I thought I didn’t mean the words to Robbie’s song. It’s a catchy tune, but really…I meant it and sang it with all my heart. Please, allow me.

I am and have been crying and sobbing my little heart out on and off (in my pillow at night) for a long time now. About a great many number of things. Some of which I’ve mentioned on my blog. Some of which I haven’t.

Still I am not “falling apart ” in the sense that I feel like I can’t go on, if you know what I mean. Having had and discarded of or grown apart from a few different people in my life, I often withhold talking about things which may be perceived as emotionally draining to people who are actually in my life.

I am as complex as you are. Nobody leads an uncomplicated life, unless you’re under 10 and still play with Barbies unleaded. Even so, I won’t even downplay the possible complexities of an eight year old. You just never know. I digress….

What I’m trying to confess say is that I am not strong. In many ways, perhaps, maybe, who knows. But not now, not yesterday, haven’t been for a very long time. I am filled with an inexplicable amount of fear. Sometimes I feel estranged from my husband. He is far away. And we often have disagreements which last for days.

I often wonder if this is normal. If we’re going to get better or if it’s because we don’t see one another. Often, it breaks my heart to fight with him.

Am I going to be okay in the United States? Am I going to find a decent job? Are we going to work out our differences? What can I say to make my parents stop worrying? How can I reassure them? How am I going to say goodbye to my wonderfully sound life and head into the unknown without breaking down in anguish?

Why do I feel so invincible some days, and completely torn the next?

And you know and you know
Cos my life’s a mess
And Im trying to grow so before
Im old I’ll confess
You think that I’m strong you’re wrong
You’re wrong….
I’ll sing my song my song my song…

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Responses

  1. You are strong my friend. You have to have been to have survived everything you have. And yes, you will continue to be strong when you go over to your husband. And you’ll continue to be strong for all the other days after that.
    Cos you are, as you rightly say, a strong person.

  2. Well thank you Toby. Pity I don’t always feel that way. But thank you.

  3. Oh honey you’ll be fine! You’re obviously very strong if you’re making the move over to America and the fact that you can think about these problems and express them means you are strong too.

    Things’ll be fine with the hubby, just work at it and remember how much you love him. MSN and telephone are bad places as you end up arguing so much with someone as things get lost over the distance. Voices can be misinterrupted, there is no one there physically to read the body language and see the face. Just remember that 🙂

  4. Thanks Miss M. I really didn;t write this to hear/read that I’m strong…I simply wanted to say that I am okay with admitting that Im not.
    I am, however, truly grateful for your comments.

  5. Hey – no one is strong with everything. I am pathetically weak when it comes to relationships, I suck at them like there is no tomorrow. And I am capable of admitting it too which is a good thing 🙂

  6. OMIGOD! That song is on the radio now!!!

    *sings alone*

  7. Well, I’m glad it is…I always take such things as a wonderful little message.

  8. There’s nothing wrong with being a bit afraid MrsM…it’s the flipside of excitement. 😉

    Just don’t let it paralyse you!

    And for what it’s worth I think you are very strong and you’re dealing with this better than most people would. Chin up!

  9. Thanks Louisa! By the way, I think your poem yesterday was lovely.

  10. Thank you!
    😀

  11. I think you’re strong enough to kick out the light of the bitch who wrote on your car. 😉

  12. ooooh, I didn’t have a blog then…but perhaps plotting revenge is not such a bad idea!

  13. See, now you’re thinking…

  14. Hi! I was surfing and found your blog post… nice! I love your blog. 🙂 Cheers! Sandra. R.


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