Posted by: madamm | November 1, 2007

Like it or not…

I must admit, the excitement of everything that’s been going on these past few days has died down for me already.

Quite honestly, I don’t feel much other than apprehension and am left with a decidedly unwelcome bout of tension. There are probably quite a few reasons for the tension, I suspect. And this makes me feel bad because now I don’t feel like pretending that I’m just so thrilled about everything.

I hope I don’t sound like an ungrateful bitch, because truly, I am not. I am very happy that I had the opportunity to hand in my thesis again afterΒ another looooong year. I am also very glad to have received the news of the visa interview so timeously. I have expressed lots of hopes, many a sleepless night and at least three dozen blog posts about those two things.

But now, all I can think about is how I’m going to leave my family behind. And how different “making it on my own” is going to be. Furthermore, at the moment I don’t feel like I am a very good wife at all.Β I don’t feel equipped for it. Sometimes I feel selfish, sometimes I feel hurt. In two days I will be married for eight months. And it’s getting increasingly hard to celebrate remember these smaller milestones by myself. I’m tired of it. And the distance has continued to take it’s toll on us.

I know people will say focus on the positive, you’re going to be there soon. And if all goes well, that may very well happen. But I can’t describe how utterly petrified I am of this. Of leaving. Of sometimes feeling like this has been too much. Of trying to be better at being a wife over the phone. Often feeling distance that has nothing to do with geographical location. Of being alone.

Look, I’ve just pissed all over my own parade. But it’s okay. Constant contentment does not reality make. I’m sure you would agree.

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Responses

  1. Never a dull moment…
    You’re going to have a whiiiiittte Krismas…
    Gan lekker wies. Os gan ko visit en what what. En kykie hoorie, os moet ‘n helse paatie gooi voo jy line vannie yaat af.
    Seriously though, it’s ok to be scared – you’d be abnormal if you weren’t. But you did not go through all this stuff just to wuss out at the end.
    When you’re writing Agony Aunt Mrs M’s Sex Column (AAMMSC) you’re not even going to remember this time. Ma os sal jou nog once pla. Baie emails en WAB! Lekker!

  2. hahahahha….I think it would be great to be bothered by you guys.

    Thanks Toby.

  3. Ja wat. Die lekke ekke sal jou baaaaie besag hou. Jy wiet mos ek likes om WAB te practice. Plustens, ek wil alles wiet vannie lekke lewe in Amrerikwa.

  4. I’ll let you know all about it.

  5. Oh honey you’ll be fine! I can’t imagine how you’re feeling with the whole long distance thing but it probably will take a while to get used to it and it won’t just immediately click and be perfect but I’m sure that the two of you will work really hard at it and all shall be wonderful πŸ™‚

    I know that I don’t know you from a bar of soap but what I’ve read and the insights you give us you seem like a wonderful and loving person and your husband is lucky to have you.

    Screw all of this being “the perfect wife” crap, what is the perfect wife? All that matters is that the two of you love each other and that you finally are going to be together!

    Take it from someone who has moved away you do miss your family but the excitement of living somewhere else and experiencing news things offsets it. Plus there are always phones πŸ™‚

    We love you!

  6. Oh Miss M…what you’ve just written truly truly means so much to me. You should give me your postal address, I might just pop a Hallmark in the mail all the way to the UK! (Ask Toby, I’m not known as the card lady for nothing!)

    What is the perfect wife? What an absolutely valid question…

    Thank you so much for this. And Toby…for the five minutes earlier…

    I feel much better. Honestly I do.

  7. DMM, she is sooooooooooooo the card lady.
    In fact…oh wait, let’s leave that for another day… *another silent giggle*

  8. Oh, and I totally back you on the question of what a perfect wife is. A Stepford Wife? A Martha Stewart? Well the one was a robot and the other a crook. I’d much rather be less than perfect – that way I’d have to keep on trying.

  9. Oh Mrs M 😦 I guess it was always the thesis and the damn paperwork occupying you. Now that that’s gone, it’s left you with the reality. But I promise you all will be well. And it’s as DMM says: what’s most important is that you love each other. And that’s what makes you the best wife for your husband. Damn I’m gonna miss you. At least we have the Internet πŸ™‚

  10. I’m glad I could be of service πŸ™‚ I’d love a card! Those are always nice to receive and especially from someone I don’t know!

    The Perfect Wife differs from person to person I suppose. In my mind the perfect husband would be the man who loves me for me and nothing else. Perfection is a myth and it just leaves you souless – trying to be something which is completely unattainable. It is our flaws that gives us character and without them life just wouldn’t be entertaining!

  11. If I didn’t have flaws, I’d have nothing to write about.

  12. YOu’re right Gnome…we’ll have the Internet.

    You guys are all so so awesome…

    I feel very lucky to have all of your (known and unknown) in my life.

  13. Awww we’re being all lovely dovey aren’t we? *sniffs* It’s like 1 big girly cry fest πŸ˜‰

    Diff thing though but a bit of advice … I met a really nice guy recently and been out a few times with him. I really do like him – quite a bit actually – but he is slightly too old for me I think. He

    He is 36. He turns 37 16 days after I turn 25 … Is 12 years a long time? Is it too much? Should I continue this? He is just lovely though!

  14. no. My friend Meags (26) is dating a 36 year old and she is absolutely smitten. If you think he’s amazing, then he is. And if he’s not a murderer/drug-smuggler/abuser (of anything/anyone)/rapist or closet gay, then I’m sure he is!

    I’m very happy for you. Older guys are usually more mature, though that’s a generalisation that I really have no place to make. Toby’s been dating an older guy too…for about four years almost

    Whatchu think TObes?

  15. Oh, advice corner…
    There’s absolutely nothing wrong with dating an older guy (unless you’re 12and he’s 24). If you feel comfortable and happy then go for it.

    If the ONLY reason why you’re dating is because you think other people will have something to say then you should go for it – other people aren’t going to make you happy.

    Older guys are more mature, I’ve found. It’s fab to have that stability.

    Go for it meisie!

  16. Ah thanks you guys πŸ™‚ I am comfortable with him and he makes me laugh which is good.
    We’ll see, we are only on date number 3 so we’ll see what happens. I am a horrible pessamist.

    Meags? Her name is Megs and she didn’t take Business Accounting at UCT did she?

  17. No, Meags was at Rhodes. And her name is Meagan.

  18. Never heard of her then πŸ˜‰

  19. Just read my comment above and there’s a crucial error: I mean to say if the ONLY reason you’re uncomfortable with dating him is because others will have something to say then go for it.
    Ai jirrie, can’t even type properly anymore. It’s been a loooong week!
    DMM, it’s not pessimism, it’s realism. One has to think of these things even though you’re not at the “wanna make a baby?” stage. πŸ˜‰
    Just have lots of fun and laugh a lot. That’s all the matters anyway.


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