Posted by: madamm | May 1, 2007

Whatchu know about that

I’ll spread my wings and learn ‘ til I learn how to fly, I’ll do what it takes ’til I touch the sky… – Kelly Clarkson

Inspirational words huh? And she sings about taking risks, taking chances and making a change. Well, there is a reason for all the theatrical soppiness, I assure you. I find myself drinking in those words, every day. For the most part it is about the life that awaits me. Out there. Went for drinks with Meags tonight. It was fun seeing her again, as we discussed topics of the day, jobs, changes, futures. I didn’t have anything but coke, by the way, but there is a reason for that I’ll get to in a minute.

I’ve been filled with apprehension about things to come. I don’t even know when they’ll come. But it’s there. My future and life in the USA. It scares me. It excites me, but mostly it scares me. It’s like Jane said the other day – the unknown is always scary – but gotdammit, it’s not gonna be all comfy like it is now, you know? I don’t about which office in which building in which city I’ll be occupying. And then the thought of an office seems almost ambitious. But I do deserve it, surely? There must be something I can do that doesn’t require an apron for oil spills?SURELY? Okay, I’m just scaring myself, but fack, I need to vent about this onslaught of terrifying thoughts…like, I have a destination, and that, along with my very supportive and loving husband is what I have for now. *argh* Oh wait, I also have a visa process in pending mode. *double argh* I’m sure there are others that can concur with this feeling of utter helplessness-life-in-limbo type move I’m going through right now. Like a giant miffball on your favourite type of bread -WHY NOW?! Take it away, get it over with.

Speaking of unpleasant, I nearly choked on my own bile this morning. ( Hope nobody’s eating right now). It’s true- all because of Ocean Basket’s calamari, I swear, it could only be that. It was half-done, you know. And of course, brought on morbid thoughts of  keeling over in the middle of the V&A Waterfront this afternoon. I kept saying to anyone that would listen: ” I think I’m going to die today.” Usually followed by weird looks, or my father swearing at me for talking shit. I kept thinking of the raw squid swimming around in my tummy. All that garlicky slippery RAW squid. And I thought: My death is imminent. Not only did I find a fingernail in my pie last week, I’m facing death here, all because someone took a shitbreak instead of grilling my calamari to perfection.

Cheesy.

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